Someone said to me today that they were happy for me with my recent job changes. I laughed and candidly said, “There has certainly been a lot of change. I sometimes wonder if my life will ever have a sense of normalcy.”
I told someone else last week, as I waited to hear about whether I would get the job that I was applying for, that I was just so scared to take a part time job and not know where the rest of my income would come from. We talked through the fact that the only thing I can really be sure of in the future is that God will be there, and he will never leave me or forsake me because I am his child. I could sign a contract for a full time teaching position, or become doctor with a full time salary, and God would still be the only thing that would be certain. That job could fall to pieces or I could get sick or injured at any moment. I keep trying to type the words “I’m learning to trust my Father” but I don’t know if I fully understand what I’m saying. I’m learning to trust him in a completely new way, and it’s terrifying.
I’ve been handed an incredible part time job. It’s so me. I get to teach preschool 4 days/week and teach art on the off day. I mean, the preschool part was the dream job. The art addition is like beyond my wildest dreams. The art job is lagniappe. And they ASKED me to do it. I love art, and I’ve always wished that I had gone through some sort of formal art study, but I’ve just played with it, really. And now I’m getting to learn from the school’s full time art teacher who will supply me with her lesson plans and let me have fun with facilitating them. YES! Learning to trust…terrifying and exciting at the same time.
With all of this goodness, there’s still fear. My neighbor’s little boy is 3, and he’s one of my favorite people. We were on the playground a couple of weeks ago, and he told me he was a little bit scared to climb up a ladder. I told him that it is okay to be scared, and that he can be scared and brave at the same time. Being brave doesn’t mean to suck it up and pretend you’ve got it all together. Bravery is when sometimes you are terrified and you do it anyway. That’s incredible courage. Sometimes bravery is when you are terrified and you decide not to do it. Because sometimes it takes a LOT of courage to look at everyone around you and their expectations and say, “Nope, that’s not what I want. That’s not who I am. That’s not what I’m doing and that’s not what I’m going to do.” For me, that takes a lot of courage.
Earlier this spring, when I left my job as a nanny and began applying for other jobs, my prayer was that God would not let me leave me behind when I went to the figurative “tables” in these situations. I prayed that he would remind me that he wants ME at the table, and that I would not get so caught up in what I thought others wanted or expected me to be that I would somehow morph into that and leave me behind. And he’s doing that. Slowly I’m learning to not sneak into rooms and try to go unnoticed, to remember who I am when I walk up to a group of people instead of thinking about what they think of me, to close doors with a normal amount of noise and let people know I’m there, to not be so caught up in what I think I look like in the other person’s eyes that I can’t even realize what I am seeing out of my eyes. Oh, God, let my brain register what my eyes are seeing. Let me take that in.